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by: JohnMReisinger
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Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility are the 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication. I discussed these in a previous article and gave examples of how they cause Communication Frustration for both people. This article will help you see the other forms those habits can take in your communication at home and work.

1. Analyzing: This is when we make interpretations that are not based on objective facts but our opinion of what is taking place. This used to play out with Kay and me like so. If Kay was wanting more affection than I was giving her she was "needy and dependent". But if I wanted more affection than Kay was giving she was "selfish and insensitive". Once we begin to learn compassionate communication it was much easier to realize that Kay nor I were "wrong". These analyses were actually expressions of our own needs and values.

2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.

3. Using Manipulation: Anytime we are trying to make someone who is unwilling do what we want we are manipulating. This doesn't work because emotions like fear,anger,guilt,and shame are used as prods. Seldom do people perform the why we really want, if at all when we use this approach. Two examples from Kay and me: When Kay would subtly share with me how impressed she was with how her friend's husband displayed such handy man prowess it didn't ever make me mow the lawn or do projects to her satisfaction. When I'd remind my youngest son, who's dyslexic, that his older brother taught himself how to read, the younger one didn't read any better of faster. I'm sure your intentions for using manipulation are as pure as ours were. But manipulations only wound you and the other person on a deep level.

4. Philosophy and Politics: Your view of the world around is your philosophy. How you live it is your Politics. Kay and I learned our Philosophy and Politics were creating unintentional conflicts and costing us missed friendships and opportunities to be curious about new ideas. When most people are in conflicts over Philosophy or Politics it's because they are often attempting to compare the importance of their moral judgments by calling them facts.

5. Actions of Others: This is when we actually shift responsibility based on other's behavior. Lessons we learned: Me telling Kay I yelled at the boys because they had bad manners at the table makes the boys responsible for my outburst. Me accepting a last minute golfing invitation with my friends when I promised to hang out with the kids makes my friends responsible for my commitments. Other examples you might encounter include: "I lied to the client because my boss told me too", "I hate going to work, but I do it because I'm a husband and father.", "I stayed late at work because my boss said to". We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

6. Blaming Policies and Rules: Placing blame on policies, rules, and management denies our personal responsibility. You're likely to experience this with statements like. "Those are the rules, there's nothing we can do", "Sorry, no exceptions", "All companies do business that way", "My boss said it wouldn't matter", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "We've always done it that way". Blaming policies, rules, and management attempts to justify our behavior and decisions.

Check in with yourself and have compassion with what you find. You aren't broken, don't need fixing, and nothing is wrong with you. Focus your attention on looking for where the habits are showing up and creating Communication Frustration at home and work. Just practice observing. Share this article with your spouse or friends and ask them if they notice these habits showing up in your conversations with them.

About the Author

Need help identifying your habits? John Reisinger can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and experience Remarkable Living.

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