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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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Everyone can define a bad parent: short tempered, always criticizing, and more concerned with their affairs (in both senses of the word) than in those of their children. What makes a good parent though? How can you give your children the very best parts of yourself and help them create a good life?

In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children, with their own natural resilience, would also do okay. So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a "good enough" parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even the "ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?

First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It's not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good enough" is good enough.

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It's attitude, not perfection that matters here.

So what does this attitude include? First be humble and know that you will always have something to learn. Be ready to have others teach you and be open to learning from the mistakes you make. You are grown up when you can look at your life and know the things you've learned about yourself as well as the things that you still need to change.

Of course, there's also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.

2) Be aware that you're playing a game of percentages. We hear about the kids who were abused and deprived becoming wildly successful in life. Then there are those from the best families who fall into the traps of drugs and crime, while their siblings turn out great.

The truth is that parents are only a part of a child's journey to adulthood. They are subject to peer pressure, advice and examples from relatives, teachers, store clerks, TV (a big one), magazines and their own genes. There is simply no way to control all these factors. You can be an "ultimate" parent and still end up with messed up children. On the other hand you can be an abusive alcoholic and your kids might end up doing well. There are no guarantees in life.

So you play the probabilities. Of course you know that if your children are abused they are more than likely going to turn out bad. Clearly, being abusive to your children is a terrible idea. Using fair and consistent parenting and direction is far more likely to product good results.

You success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all you reasonably could to do the right things and make the right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones. So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But, if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Be aware that there are other things in your life besides your children. It's easy nowadays to get so focused on our children that we put them before everything else. not the only things in your life.

For instance, some parents wouldn't consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family - taking your children away from their school and their friends.

By putting children first in everything we run the danger of creating a selfish, "me first" generation where they grow up believing that the world owes them a living. Sometimes children have to take second place - and that in itself is an important lesson about life. Yes, before making any decision consider its impact on the children. But, in the end, make up your own mind as to what would be best for the family as a whole.

4) Always think about the long term. Raising your children doesn't happen overnight, so keep your long-term aspirations in the forefront. What kind of adults to you want them to be, and what life skills will help them? What are the best experiences to help them develop strong characters and those skills?

Parents are often faced with a choice between a short-term, easy fix for something or taking a more difficult path that will be more beneficial in the long-run. A classic example is how we use the TV. The easy way to entertain your children is to turn on the TV and let it take over for you. It's a great way to keep them quiet and in one place. When you really think about it, isn't it a better idea to do something constructive and fun with them? You can build models, make a soft toy, or assemble a puzzle. These are all a little more time consuming for you, but so much better for the kids. It's also a terrific bonding experience for all of you.

5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do (and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on. Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go on. Children desperately need there parent's attention. If you focus your attention on what's wrong, that's where they'll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive things and your children will do it just to get your positive attention.

6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that your children don't respect or try to challenge. Unless there is some new information, stay with your decision. Don't let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other relatives) to swallow.

Yes, you may turn out to be wrong. We know that can happen. It's so easy to look back and know what the right thing would have been. Better to stick to your guns than be like a flag waving in the wind. Your children watch what you do in both easy and difficult situations. Even if you make a mistake along the way, the fact that you believe in yourself and try your very best, you can't help but impress them with your good example.

About the Author

To get more articles full of parenting advice by author Dr. Noel Swanson, why not visit his parenting advice website and get his free newsletter?

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