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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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Your child has entered the teenage years. You enjoyed the first thirteen years of your child's life. You worried about them every day. You changed so many diapers during their early years and watched with a smile on your face as their team placed first in the sixth grade soccer championship. You guided them through the struggles in life such as bruised shins and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The first is that the teen years are a period of amazing brain development. The brain is an ever changing machine - almost like a self-programming computer. It is constantly making, strengthening, weakening and breaking connections. It is these connections that form the basis of memory, of learned skills, of perception, and of social reasoning.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

And then it all falls apart. Quite literally, during the teen years the brain completely re-wires itself. And while it does so, it actually LOSES some of its previous abilities and skills. This is most noticeable in the area of social communication. The teen years are, pre-eminently, a time of learning how to be a social being - how to form and maintain social attachments - to society, to friends and, of course, ultimately to a sexual mate.

But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don't seem to get it.

Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be "loaded for bear"? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!

But there is more, and this is the second factor: The teen years are also a time of shifting expectations. The language of expectations is contained in words such as "should", "ought", "at this age", "normal". And the teen years seem to be especially filled with such words - what should a 13, 14, 16 year old be allowed/expected to do? What expectations of "normal" behavior do the parents, the teenager, the friends, the teachers, the neighbors, the police, the society have? Are they not often very confused and mixed?

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

So, with all these people having different expectations of what your teenager "should" be doing, plus the heady biological mix described above, is it any wonder that the fireworks go off?

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Arguing and shouting won't work

2) Your teenager wishes to have the optimal outcome as well. They are relying on the ability of their perceptions and skills which could vary greatly from yours.

3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a big problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a significant pothole on the highway of life?

5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.

6) Your teenager will outgrow the teenager years in a matter of a few years. Think about the future and what kind of memories you want to create.

With that being said, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, don't get so uptight. Don't be so strict that your teenager wants to avoid you. Determine how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with smiles on your faces and love in your hearts.

About the Author

More expert advice on how to solve teenagers' behavioral problems is available from Dr. Noel Swanson's website, which is all about solving Teenage Behavior Problems. Make sure you get his FREE newsletter and 1 hour audio too.

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