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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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At the age of two they are just adorable and at the same time an endurance test for your frayed nerves. Reason being they are too energetic and equally difficult to communicate to. But here are some tips to make the terrible twos a little less terrible.

They look like angels just descended from heaven, but don't get taken in by their innocent looks; they know exactly how to manipulate you to get their way. And, they have mastered the art of throwing a tantrum at the slightest pretext. They know what works for them and will do that at the most appropriate time, which may cause you severe embarrassment or drive you up the wall.

So, the best way to deal with such behavior is to treat them like an older child. If they know how to manipulate you, they aren't that small, really. Here are some suggestions:

A. you need to be clear about what behaviors you will accept or not accept. Don't take on a battle if it really isn't important.

B. Talk straight in simple language. Say what you mean, but say it effectively, but don't go on repeating it. Once you have made it clear, stick by it.

C. However, make sure you do as you have said.

D. I don't mean that you have to punish them but you can use the 'manners chair' technique to give an idea what punishment is like. Here is how it works:

Buy a small child's chair and put it in a corner in the room. Whenever your child disobeys your clear instructions purposefully, send him/her to sit in the chair. Use the same words every time you send the child to the chair, so that the chair becomes a reformatory of sorts. For instance, you can say, 'You seem to have lost your good manners again. You had better go and sit in the chair until you find them again.'

When the child obeys you and does what you have said, it is evidence enough that he has found his manners. Get busy doing your chores and don't pay attention to his whining. This will serve a double purpose. You can spend the time catching up with work and he will learn something new.

Some children are very sensitive. So, instead of making it sound like a punishment, you can make it light and playful by offering to help your child to find his manners again. Look under the chair, or in his pockets, or even in the shoes. This is a smart way of taking their attention away from whining to a more positive attitude. This also saves you the need to shout and be heard. Most children find the manners quite quickly.

Once the manners have been found, you can start from what the child was originally supposed to do, or perhaps apologize for the bad behavior.

Unlike with normal time-out (where it is a clear connection with bad behavior = miss out on fun by being in time out), with the manners chair you CAN ask them to apologize, or otherwise revisit the incident, since the evidence of them having found their manners is a return of compliant polite behavior. If they still refuse, then they clearly didn't find their manners, so they need to go back to the manners chair and have another look.

There is a danger that this in itself can become too much of a game for them since they get a lot of attention from you when you are helping them to find their manners. You will need to strike the right balance between "time-out" ie ignoring them, and a bit of assistance (since they are young, and this is all new to them).

What is important is that you don't get into yelling mode, and they don't get away with inappropriate behavior. Keep it calm, keep it positive, keep showing that you still love them, but that the behavior is the problem - i.e. the child is not the problem, the problem is simply that she has lost her manners temporarily - once she has found them again, then all will be well again.

Now, what about when you are out in public? The key there, as everywhere else, is that you have to mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow up with action.

You can use one of these three options in public: 1. Take your child in a corner and do a kind of "manners chair" by saying that all activity will be suspended until he has found his manners.

2. Take them out and do a time out in the car. They are in the car, you are outside, looking AWAY from them. You stand there and you wait patiently until they are quiet. Do NOT respond or get into a "discussion" with them until the tie-out is up.

3. Abandon the shopping trip and go home and do the time out there.

The good news is that you will not have to do this too often. Children are quick to learn provided you are firm and consistent. Just remember to stay calm and in control. Losing your temper will only make matters worse.

All this is based on the foundational principles in my book, which can help you handle your toddler positively and pleasantly and save you the guilt of losing it once again.

About the Author

Fed up with your toddler's temper tantrums? For tips on managing pre-schoolers' behaviors and for advice on How to Stop Temper Tantrums vist Dr. Noel Swanson's website, and check out his acclaimed manual, The GOOD CHILD Guide.

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