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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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Q. "I am a single mother with a 7 year old daughter (Caitlin), and two sons (Tom, 9 & Liam, 11). Cait is doing fine, but I am having real problems with the too boys. Tom has learning difficulties at school, but seems to behave fine there. It is when he comes home that we get all the temper tantrums. Liam just seems to hate me. He is always rude, and never shows any affection towards me. Liam's dad never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I am so stressed, what am I doing wrong?"

A. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time with them. Parenting is supposed to be fun! Well, most of the time, anyway.

First of all, blaming yourself will get you nowhere. Like the rest of us, you have probably made loads of bad decisions in the past. So what? The question is where do you go from here to make the best of what you have at present.

Your daughter is doing well, proving that you have some good mothering skills.

Also on the plus side, is the fact that your younger boy is doing well in school. Even with learning problems, he can settle down and do his school work. Talk with his teachers though, he may be finding it so hard at school that he brings all his frustrations home.

Undoubtedly, both boys are feeling the lack of their fathers. This is a tough situation. It most likely is easier for the youngest one. At least his dad died, and didn't purposely leave him. As for the absent dad, there isn't much you can do except be up-front about it. Don't defend or berate him. If you take his side then your son will feel that you are siding with his "loser dad" and not him. If you say anything negative about him, your son will want to defend his dad.

You can only change yourself, not the children. Think about how you could be different in order to make your life more peaceful. It may surprise you to know that if you appear more positive, it will rub off on them. If you keep things the way they are, nothing will ever change.

The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don't think about what you don't want and don't keep worrying. Imagine all the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in baby steps, so you won't be completely happy overnight. Just keep making small advances and know that how you're living now takes a lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.

About the Author

For more articles full of parenting advice by author Dr. Noel Swanson, go to his parenting advice website.

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