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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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Q. "My 7 year old son suffers with extreme shyness, in fact he will hardly talk to anyone outside of the family. What can I do to encourage him?"

A. Some children are naturally slower than others to warm to people. Still, they can usually learn to overcome their fears and become less anxious. You have to take one step at a time, starting from where they are, and building on each success.

Find activities which he can enjoy and succeed in. The more he sees himself as being good at things, the more confidence he will have - and also the more he will have to talk about. If these activities involve other people all the better. Don't force him to go, but don't let him off the hook too easily either. Many kids refuse to go to things even when they know they will love it when they get there!

Plan some social situations that will turn out to be learning experiences. Start slowly, and build on each one. One example might be, going to a movie with a friend. They can enjoy the experience together but don't have to engage in conversation. Movies are almost always fun.

Structure some activities for him that involve a few other people. Each time he gains a little confidence, plan another that is slightly more difficult. Plan these events knowing that he will do well, and then stop while it's still fun. This will make everyone want to do it again.

Make the social situations revolve around things he likes to do. For example if he enjoys computer games, invite a friend over. Start with one and the next time invite two or three. The kids will like talking about and playing the games together.

When it's time to visit adults, tell them about your son's latest adventures playing the computer game. Let him be the one to correct you about any details. Hopefully, he'll become engaged and start talking about some of the high points for him. You can even clue the adults in ahead of time about things to ask him.

If he chooses not to talk, don't force him but don't make excuses for him It's his choice to talk or not. Try drawing him into conversations. You might ask him something like, "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion?". This is an open ended question and will be easy for him to answer and elaborate on. Don't make it difficult for him by asking something that just requires a one word answer, or ask about something that's hard for him.

It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less.

Don't reinforce his vision of himself as "shy". If you call him that, he won't believe he can change. It could become an excuse used to get out of interacting with others. Build on his positive attributes by reminding him that he is kind, gentle, polite, and so on.

It will take a while, but if you keep being positive with him, he will come out of his shell.

About the Author

Child Behavior Problems can be solved! To discover the secret, visit author Dr. Swanson's Child Behavior Problems website and take a look at his acclaimed book, The GOOD CHILD Guide.

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