Free Articles at Neutron Marketing Article Publishing and Distribution » Home-and-family » Parenting » Bad Behavior - Is it just a Phase?
Previous Article - Parenting an Asperger's Child
Next Article - Homeschool Tips - Help on Making Homeschooling Easier for Parents

View PDF | Print View | Html Version
by: Dr.NoelSwanson
Total views: 3
Word Count: 947

"My 5 year old has just started school. Before school she was always polite, caring, helpful. Since going to school, while she still appears to be so with her teachers (so they say), she now really pushes the boundaries at home. Some kids at school have taught her to swear, talk back, talk about sex in very broad terms. She talks back and while fundamentally she is still a wonderful and very smart little girl, her smarts have turned into "smarty-pants".

I am not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already skipped school at the urging of her 5 year old friend. How can I help her when she is out of my supervision at school? How do I instruct to make the right decision on her own?

Hmmm, how indeed? Let's look at the underlying principles.

Kids in general try hard to do succeed in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a desired result. The problem is that their idea of a desire result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might wish to have their parent's approval and love. Or they might be out to just have fun.

Whatever their priority need at the time, the behavior they use is their best attempt to meet the need.

They will discover that their behaviors don't always end in success. They learn from this and try other behaviors until they find the ones that yield the intended result. When deciding what behavior to have we rely on experience, direction for our parents, and our skills and abilities. We create a group of behaviors that we hope will serve our needs effectively.

After trial and error we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we are successful with a certain behavior, the more we engage in that behavior.

Returning to your 5 year old daughter. This behavior is a sign that she is in the process of experimenting. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will end in an intended result.

Your daughter will most likely try a range of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter stick to? It really depends on the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very important to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.

You have a great deal of influence as her parent. When she is this young she will listen to you. Later on is another story. Your influence appears in two ways.

1. Your emotional reaction to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?

2. How you control her external environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.

Weaving what he discussed together and looking at this strategically, you need to answer the following questions:

Does this look like it is just an experimental phase that will almost certainly pass? If so, then don't get too stressed about it all - enjoy the phase of watching your kids growing up and exploring the world. (Hey, I remember sneaking out from home at about 7 to go and play in the school playground, in the dark, at about 9pm. I even put pillows in my bed to deceive my parents. And I turned out okay ... I think...)

One thing to consideration is the intensity of reaction you demonstrate to bad behavior. Take swearing for example. If you become exasperated every time she swears, she may view swearing as an adventure because she wants to see you get bent out of shape.

If it looks like becoming more serious or more entrenched, then you need to take some sort of action.

At this point you will need to rely on your judgement of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.

Next, check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who grew up in this neighborhood fared when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend time in juvenile detention for most of their teenage years?

Spend time talking with parents and teachers at your school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they get older?

You cannot control every factor in their lives. You cannot guarantee that they will learn right from wrong. But you can increase the chances. And, as ever, you do that by being as good, and strategic, a parent as you can.

About the Author

Dr. Noel Swanson specializes in helping parents with child behavior problems. To read more of his expert parenting advice go to his website and check out his hugely popular GOOD CHILD Guide manual, packed full of practical parenting advice.

---

Rating: Not yet rated

--Choose-- 0 1 2 3 4 5

No comments posted.

Add Comment

Enter the code shown